Spiritual Soap

Always remember: "there is no heaven with a little corner of hell in it." It is God's desire that we be pure, holy, and right; HE will not allow us escape for one minute the scrutiny of the Holy Spirit. When we sin, the Holy Spirit convicts us and urges us to repent and become clean again. Now if we cast off this conviction and chose to remain in our own filth, the inevitable process begins to work and we end up in our own spiritual prison. It is during these times when it feels like God is a million miles away! It is during these times we may ask "Does God really love and care about me?"

Seen from God's side, it is a glorious ministry of love. For God is going to bring us out pure, spotless, and undefiled. The Lord loves us so much that HE will tax the limits of the universe in order to help us take the right road...And the moment we realize that the Holy Spirit is convicting us and our current disposition...the sooner our position with God will be drastically improved.

Do you ever wonder why there are times when God does not feel close? Maybe it is time for some spiritual soap?

Are there times when God seems like HE is far away?
What do you do in those times?

Amputation

My mother is dying. She’s been dying for 9 years, it’s just more evident recently.  There is a lot written on grief and many times if I see an article about it, I can’t help but click and read it.  If I don’t have the time for the reading or for my own emotions evoked by such reading, I send myself the link so I’ll read it later.  I rarely pass over such articles.  I’m sure this says some about me, but I’ll leave the psycho-analyzing up to my husband. 

One such article from The Guardian particularly drew me because it wasn’t just on grief, but on the pain of losing mothers.  The article resonated, though there were a few aspects I disagree with most likely because I have a different world view than the author (more on that later).   I also grimace a little at an article that makes losing a parent seem like the epitome of grief. I’m not one to compare and compete for burdens, we all are living very different lives, and we can’t ask others to understand a perspective they haven’t lived.  But I have watched a handful of people lose a spouse, and from observing that grief, I am thankful for having not walked it.  

One such line from the article that spoke to my personal perspective is, "We have not “lost” our mothers. We say that to be polite, but in truth, we have become un-mothered, like Marie Antoinette was un-headed or that wilderness hiker who sawed off his arm was un-handed. It feels violent. It feels raw and fundamental, a pain that reaches all the way down to your ligaments and bones. Our mothers were our first firmament, literally, our first homes."

Perpetual Prodigal

**Author’s note: I started writing this almost 4 months, which just solidifies my role as a perpetual prodigal daughter, I can’t even commit to writing a post about my lack of commitment.

Recently I was standing in my kitchen on a lazy Saturday morning making pancakes.  And I suddenly had this vivid recollection of a time I was 17 and gave a talk about faith for a freshman retreat.  I stood up in front of a bunch of 14 years old and I spoke of the trials I had faced, the testing of my faith, and the ultimate comfort of leaning on Christ.  I really thought I was something, inspiring these younger kids with my tumultuous teen years and deep, wisdom-filled faith.  I laughed out loud at the memory.  I had no idea.  What I thought was a trial and the most difficult times of my life, seem trivial now.  And I have a hard time recollecting anything of my faith that was not based on either feelings or what I had been taught in 13 years of Catholic school and 4 years of youth group and teen Jesus conferences.

I’ve always been a bit arrogant, so it’s no surprise I thought I had my shit together.  It didn’t help that I had peers tell me I was an “inspiration”.  I still have a tendency to be over confident.  But now, 15 years later, I no longer feel like an inspiration, and while I am confident in my Biblical knowledge, I often feel like a perpetual prodigal daughter, making the same mistakes over and over again.