Recently in the online infertility support group I’m a part
of, there was a thread asking everyone to introduce ourselves. The specifics were, how long have you been
married, where you live, how long have you been trying to conceive, and what
your diagnosis is.
I am blessed by this group.
It is a group of Christian women, struggling to conceive, but believing
in the power of God. I joined in the
last 4 weeks and I look forward to getting to know these women who understand
the desire to hold a child and the weariness that comes with waiting. So I
really like the idea of knowing more about the lives of the women I was praying
for and who are praying for me. But I
worry, when waiting for a miracle; we are giving too much power to medical
diagnosis. I’m not saying cancer patients
shouldn’t seek treatment or that diabetics should throw out their insulin; don’t
get me wrong. But I am saying, when God
whispers the promise of children to you and your loved ones, why not believe
that promise by living it; speaking it? Why not put your faith in God’s word
and not a test.
Proverbs 18 tells us the power of the tongue, that words are dainty morsels that go down into the body to be remembered. Jesus told his disciples (and I am His
disciple), that they can speak to a mountain telling it to move, and by their
faith, it will move. Faith comes by
hearing (Romans 10:17), and I want people to hear and have faith in the
children that God has promised us. I can’t
speak to the mountains in my life and then claim them as truth. I can’t believe
that I can move mountains in the name of Jesus and give those same mountains
power by claiming them as my identity.
My identity is in Christ. I am a
blood bought child of the living God. I am a wife. I am (currently) a South
Dakotan. And, I am a mother to a child(ren) I have not met yet. I am not infertile. I am not childless. I am not a test result or a diagnosis. I am not my mountain.
As Christians, we all accept that if we believe in Christ as
our Savior, we must acknowledge and confess our belief to activate our salvation
(Romans 10:8-10). It does not seem silly
that our salvation depends upon a confession.
Why should it then seem silly to confess an unseen promise? If we are
indeed more than conquerors, shouldn’t we confess that as such? I refuse to
confess what the world and the enemy wants me to believe. It is for this reason; I did answer part of
the question. Some time ago, Mark had
requested we not go through testing, because if you go far enough down the
rabbit hole, you will eventually find something. I agreed for some time, but I got lazy in my
faith and as announcements of other pregnancies rolled in and children who were
conceived since we’ve been trying had birthdays, I fell into depression and
desperation and I asked that we move forward with testing and treatment, and Mark,
who didn’t like seeing his wife cry all the time, agreed. I hesitate on how much more I tell you. Words are powerful. We eventually stumbled upon one not great
result, and I regret lamenting it to the handful of people who know about it. I regret letting my fear take over my faith
and giving one inclusive test power. As
I already stated. We are not infertile. God has promised us children.
I write this less for the women in my support group and people
across the interwebs. I write it more for the people who we know in real
life. This is for the friends and family
who avoid the topic and me and my husband all together. This is for those of you who are afraid of
our pain and tears; those who would rather text than call. I know we make you uncomfortable. While we fully believe that God is bringing
us children, the waiting is still painful, especially for me. I know my pain isn’t easy for you; it’s
pretty difficult for me. I’m not asking
you to stop avoiding me, I’m not asking you to finally call and to actually ask
how I’m doing in the waiting. I have to
let that go; God also calls me to not hold on to resentment. I know you’re all praying for us. But I’m not sure you’re praying
correctly. So I’m asking you to
stop. If you are simply praying that I can
handle childlessness, that we can find a way to deal, I want you to stop. We have a way to deal; His name is Jesus, and
He has promised us an abundant life, a life with children. If you are praying for us, simply pray that
God not tarry in sending the babies He has planned for us. Thank Him for our children, thank Him for
making miracles happen and providing the babies we can’t yet see. Praise His goodness in making us
fruitful. If you cannot pray like that,
please do not include Mark and I in your prayers. Do not give your doubts power; I’m not.
